Dear Artists....

 Today is February 18, 2026 and I am exhausted. I am tired. It's one of those days where I am sad and I just feel like what I am doing isn't really adding up. This maybe a personal blog. But I am ok with sharing. I feel like I have been making decisions based off of how I had been following others or maybe based off how I have interpreted myself to be. I see myself falling down this rabbit hole at the moment of reflection. I am currently at a job that doesn't serve me as a writer. I have always placed myself in these positions. The positions I find myself trying to conquer are these administrative positions. Currently, I had a thought process that I had the emotional and physical copasity to be a teacher. Boy. Was. I. Wrong. I literally can not stand working at this place. The reasons are that I feel like I am a young person who is struggling to deal with my own issues and emotions and I have to deal with adults who don't even know how to manage there own. Like what Am I doing this for? What is the purpose? I really would like to just have my alternative boyfriend and just be around him all the time. Go to his concerts, listen to him play guitar and have him teach me how to ride skate boards. I am exhausted from dealing with people and their expectations and work. I am tired of building expectations. I am tired of the feeling of thinking and thinking about others and thinking about anything that has to do with other people. I actually just need isolation and peace. If I work, I really just want to do the job and go home. I just want to feel fulfilled in my own way. Be the puzzle piece only. Everyone is happy with my minimal work and I get to go home. I don't feel like I get to have peace. I feel for my mother and father who were raised in an era where getting a job and sitting at a desk was ok. I feel for them because they have to understand how to deal with others emotions while balancing their own decisions. I feel for their health, their heart and mind because I now see it all. I see what they feel on a daily basis. I feel bad that I even felt some way about them and how they were raised. I understand them more than ever. I just want to break the curse. I just want to do the impossible that my family hasn't done yet. I want to be the famous artist/ writer of my family. I want to be the one who makes the decisions whether I need to write or not. I want to have agents and deals and things that just supply me money so I won't have to clock in for anyone else. People enjoy this life. People enjoy being apart of the drama and having these feelings toward jobs and people. I don't. I just want to experience people for exactly who they are. I just want to love people and attract the right people in my heart. I just want to be apart of something that actually makes me happy. I used to be happy and I didn't even know it. Happiness for me was stemmed from the love of my family. It stemmed from the comfort I felt from my family. I was fake depressed I feel. I think when I was young, I was delusional. Life got so much more harder as I got older, likes really began to get harder. I wasn't even taking my writing serious. I wasn't even taking my own self serious. I was so confused with what I was told and I was just following b behind others. I wasn't living my life to the fullest. I wasn't vocal. I wasn't even communicating with my mother properly. I regret just not having that relationship. I regret believing in people that didn't deserve my energy or belief. I just feel like it was none sense. People have great lives because they knew to work hard for them at a young age. I just was breezing through life. Allowing life to take me where ever. I just am now seeing my flaws. It sucks. As a man I am now realizing the decisions I have made and how they affect the future. Now I just want to live my life to fullest. I just want to dance and smile. I want those moments forever. I noticed my heart was built different a long time ago. I noticed that I just wanted to do art a long time ago. I noticed that I lived and loved differently long ago. But because I was so ready to make friends, I forgot about who I was and what I wanted. I forgot about the agenda at hand. Now I think, why did you do this to yourself? Who are you? why did this happen so quickly? Was I not aware of the time that had passed? Why did I do this to myself? So many questions in one small amount of time. I just need to be ready to make the change in my life so I can be happy. and Yeah it's been a lot for me. But to all the artists, I just want to say, Live your life and just do the art. Don't be like me and be someone who now has to work extra hard for happiness and to actually feel like this is something they want to do. Again, to all my artists, I just want to know how Are you feeling today? Did you complete that craft or that work you wanted? Did you get the job done? 

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